Becoming God-built

2015 has been a year so full of hard things that it's hard to really look back on it. When I look back to the very first days of January I just think, "Oh girl, you had no clue what was coming." And I didn't.  Back in December of 2014 as I was working one afternoon, listening to Christmas music and looking forward to the holidays, God began to speak to me.  It was so clear what He was saying to me that I stopped working and started writing it down on sticky notes.  He told me that 2015 was going to be a year of building. "Build spirit. Build mind. Build body. Build habits. Build friendships. Build ministry."

But I still had no idea.  I went right back to working without thinking about it again.  Until the tearing down began a couple of months later.  When God said, "build" I didn't realize He meant we were starting from the bottom.  This year I have questioned everything I've ever believed.  I've walked through things I never thought I would face.  I've struggled with things that I never thought would be a struggle for me.  And I've had to ask for help.  More than once.  There have been mornings where I haven't wanted to open my bible at all.  I've been angry with God.  I've questioned His sovereignty.  I've lost battles, and won some.  I've cried myself to sleep over and over again.  And I've also been brave and shared my story on platforms, on the phone and over coffee in quiet coffee shops.  I've admitted my shortcomings to people who will point me to Jesus and help me get back on track.  And let me say, when you're walking through hell, don't ask for advice from anyone who won't point your heart back to Jesus.  He is the only way.  The. Only. Way.

I've felt so broken and thought my heart was beyond repair.  But Jesus.  Jesus heals broken hearts.  He heals broken families.  He restores broken dreams.  He is beyond faithful.  His grace is completely sufficient.

When I thought all hope was lost Jesus was at work creating something good and something lasting.  We can't control the people we love.  We don't have a say in what happens to us, but we get to choose how we respond.  Do we turn to Jesus or get angry with Him?  Thankfully for me, I've had countless opportunities this year to get it right.  I've won battles and lost battles and I've come out so much stronger.  I was waiting for it to get easier.  I was waiting for life to stop being so hard so that I can have a break, catch my breath, and it hasn't happened.  It's just one thing after another.  I've finally realized that it doesn't ever get easier.  But God is faithful.

"Sustaining grace does not promise the absence of struggle but the presence of God." ~Max Lucado

This year has been a building year.  Becoming God-built is not a comfortable process.  It hurts.  A lot.  And I know there's still much to be done.  Can't stop.  Won't stop.  I'd rather walk through trials with God than without Him.  He is my only hope.  Looking forward into January, there are still things that look scary, a lot of unknowns that threaten to steal my peace.  But I'm making the choice to look only at Jesus.

This year I'm choosing faith over fear.  Faithfulness over giving up.  Jesus over anything or anyone else.  Only He can satisfy.  Only He can be enough.

God is a lot bigger and a lot stronger than I ever knew before.  I constantly fall short, but He is so patient and His love is so deep.  And even though things have not been easy, my heart is overwhelmed with gratefulness for how the Lord has sustained me and the people He has put into my life to show me His love in a very real and personal way.

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning.  Great is Your faithfulness." ~Lamentations 3:22-23

Goodbye 2015!  I won't forget you.

Dreaming Big and Praying Hard

Something about fall makes me super sentimental.  I'm not sure if it's because we're getting so close to the end of the year or if it's watching the trees change and remembering that change is a part of life. I hate change.  Change makes me cry.  I don't like it when people grow up, or move away, or when family pets die.  I hate goodbyes, and I wish I could keep all of my people close forever.  But the fact of life is that friendships come and go and seasons are always changing.  Knowing that makes me enjoy life a little more, and try to be fully present every day.  I don't want to miss my own life because I'm crying over how things aren't how they should be, or how I want them to be.  It makes me hug my people a little tighter and say, "I love you" too many times, because those things matter.  I say what I think and try to put into words how I feel because life is too short to miss those opportunities to let someone know that they matter to you.

Life is too short not to dream big, do hard things, and visit places you've always wanted to go.

One of my dreams has been to visit Tennessee in the fall, and I did that this year.  I visited friends, went to the Smoky Mountains, toured downtown Nashville, Knoxville, and Atlanta.  I stayed with friends for a month and we stayed up late, got up early, sat outside by the fire, took roadtrips, went to the mall, out for coffee, to dinner and shopping.  We spent hours in deep conversation, cooked together, and got to know each other in person.  It's hard when you live several states away.  People I knew as acquaintances became like family on that trip and that alone was worth all the travel and delayed flights and teary-eyed  navigation through airports by myself.

If you've never seen the Smoky Mountains you should start planning your trip now.  The beauty of it took my breath away.  It made me feel small, in a good way, and reminded me that the God who created those mountains listens to my heart and adores me.  His love is big enough to cover the deepest hurt and bring clarity to the confusion of life.  Knowing that He is in control can make you brave in the midst of so many hard things that seem too overwhelming to walk though.  Sometimes all we need to know is that we're not alone, and for someone to hold our hand and say, "You're going to be okay".

One of my favorite books is, " The Circle Maker", by Mark Batterson.  It's about praying hard and dreaming big.  I try to read it at least once a year and it seems to change my life from the inside out every time.  My favorite quote from the book this year is, "If you're going to dream big, you have to manage the emotional tension.  Facing your fears is the beginning of the battle.  Then you have to circle them over and over again."

Don't give up on the dreams God has put in your heart.  Just because it hasn't happened yet, doesn't mean it never will.  Dream big, pray hard and love deeply.  Make the conscious choice to live unafriad.

Making This Summer Count

Happy Friday friends!
Isn't summer the best?!?!  I am SO happy to see the sun after so much rain!  Thank you Jesus! Watching the sunrise this morning was so refreshing.  It rises every morning, but sometimes we just can't see it...because the clouds cover it...


And I'm reflecting on bible study last night with my sweet sisters-in-Christ, they truly are the best!  We're studying the book of Hosea.  In depth.  Chapter by chapter, verse by verse.  I'm coming to understand the love and character of God in ways I never have before.  Last night we were in chapter 6.  After all of this time of Israel running after other gods, they are returning. 

Hosea 6:3- "Let us acknowledge the Lord; let us press on to acknowledge Him.  As surely as the sun rises, He will appear; He will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth."


Such a beautiful verse, so hope-filled.  Israel, the unfaithful people.  After rejecting God and running after other gods, they are returning.  What strikes me is how confident they are that He will come to them.  Even now.  After how they've treated Him.  How do they know that He won't turn away from them after they've run from Him for so long?  Because they know Him.  They know that His faithfulness isn't dependent upon their faithfulness to Him. Oh, aren't you grateful that His faithfulness isn't dependent upon us in any way?  He is faithful as the sunrise. 


Just let that sink in.


Another amazing thing is that He doesn't wait for them to come to Him.  As soon as they acknowledge Him He comes.  Because He's been waiting for His people to return to Him.  He wants their hearts.  He wants their devotion.  He's been waiting for them.  His people.


While we run from Him He waits.  He wants our devotion, He wants our hearts.  He waits for our return, and when we acknowledge Him He comes. 


As I was walking in from bible study last night I looked up at the millions of stars.  Oh city people, I don't know how you do it!  Country skies are breathtaking!  And I just thought, the One who created all of this beauty, the Star-breather loves me and desires a relationship with me.  I stood there for a few minutes just letting that soak into my heart and mind.  How awesome.  I am so grateful for his great love and faithfulness. 

Some days it's so easy to see Him all around me and others I really have to look for Him.  We humans are just so focused on what's right in front of us that we sometimes miss what's really going on, the bigger picture.  My goal this summer is to slow down.  I'm always so busy, with good things, but I just want to make sure I don't get distracted from my ministry because I'm too distracted by my busy schedule.  I know that's not God's plan for me. 

I just want to grab hold of summer with both hands and not let it slip by without making my days and hours count.  Sometimes I think growing up makes you not enjoy life anymore.  Not that you're necessarily unhappy, you just don't have time to slow down and enjoy where you are.  So this summer I'm making time to enjoy it.  I'm gonna read more books, drink more coffee, wake up and put my swimsuit on instead of clothes (when you work from home you can work in a swimsuit and take pool breaks.  Yay!), and snack on popsicles and fruit all day.  I want to watch the sun rise and set and have coffee with my favorite ladies.  I want to leave the make-up off and take the extra morning time to have another cup of coffee and read an extra chapter in my bible.  I want to do more craft projects, because that's what I truly love doing, working with my hands.  I want to take more pictures, write more, dream more, learn more of God's heart for me. 

I'm off to a good start.  My kitchen table has been covered with paper, ribbon, jewelry, lace, paint, picture frames and feathers for days!  Dad can hardly eat at the table, which he hates!  I got back involved in a ministry that I have such a heart for, volunteering a few hours every other week to answering calls and counseling with women who are going through unplanned pregnancies.  I cannot even tell you how rewarding it has been!  There are hard aspects to it as well as there is with any ministry, but it's better good than bad.  God is good.  What a blessing it is to serve Him!  The stack of books under my bed has grown and grown and grown.  SO. MUCH. READING!!! 

Welcome summer!  So happy you are finally here!


Have a blessed weekend everyone!  Enjoy celebrating your dads!

#LIKEAGIRL

All throughout the bible satan has wanted to silence girls.  Take Eve for example.  Satan started with Eve to get to Adam.  He told her lies and got her to believe them in an attempt to destroy her.  Gen. 3:1 "Did God really say?"  Eve listened to the voice of satan instead of listening to the voice of God.  And we've been listening to the lies ever since. 

As girls, we were created to bring forth life. Satan knows that and wants to silence us. 

I was blessed with the opportunity to be a counselor and speaker at a girls conference over the weekend.  I believe it's one of the greatest things I've ever been a part of.  We had a mix of all ages.  86-6 years old.  It was a wonderful time of learning, laughing, dancing (lots of dancing), singing, eating, praying and worshipping our Lord together.  There were also many tears as some of the girls and each of the speakers shared our deepest insecurities.  It's a difficult, and very humbling thing to voice your deepest insecurity from a stage to a roomful of girls, but to be truly free, you have to come out of hiding.  We wanted the girls to know that we all struggle, we all have areas that hurt to talk about, but that in that room surrounded by sisters-in-Christ who love and care for their hearts, it was a safe place to come out of hiding.  There's freedom in exposing the raw and messy, because if you don't, you'll never stop hurting.  I don't know why we didn't have a box of tissue in every chair because oh my heavens!  I know we all cried at least once! 

I cried when a young lady shared about her dad leaving and how she lost her joy for a long time-and again, when she shared how God brought her through it and she got her song back.  I cried when a young mom shared about her struggle with her weight, and again, when a little girl came up to me for prayer saying that she struggles with feeling like she's not enough.  "Oh sweet girl, but you are.  You are exactly who God made you to be." 

Looking out into that audience of ladies old and young I saw such beauty.  Each and every one is so beautiful in her own way.  But for most of them, they can't see it because they've believed the lies that they're not skinny enough, pretty enough, strong enough, brave enough, not enough. 

I told the girls that if they have given their life to Christ that they are His princess, His chosen daughter, and that when they begin to see themselves the way that God sees them that it will change their lives forever.  I know it's true because it's changed mine.  If you can understand just a fraction of the love your Heavenly Father has for you, you can't ever live the same again. 

Ladies, you are chosen, loved, redeemed, spoken for.  We are called to live set apart, to be different than the world, to guard our hearts, minds and bodies.  Having higher standards doesn't mean we think we're better than anyone else, it just means we live for a higher calling.  We are called to honor God in the way we live. 

Remember who you are.  You are His.

Loving my new tank!

Get Up and Choose to Live

To say that the last few weeks have been the most heartbreaking of my life would be an understatement.  It hurts to love people.  When you pour your heart and soul into people and they go off the deep end, making bad choices and betray your trust, how do you handle that?  Hold onto Jesus.  You have to.  Welcome to the ministry.  You put your heart out there and it gets broken, because you can't just not care.  People say their choices only affect them, but it's never worked that way.  When you sin someone always has to pay, and it's not always you, even though you will reap the consequences, other people pay too.  To live like Jesus is to love like Jesus.  And to love like Jesus means putting your heart on the line.  Is it worth it?  Yes.  Every. single. time.  You can only do what you can do, and if you give it your all, the rest is in God's hands.  You have no control over the choices people make.  That doesn't make it hurt less though.  I'm not talking about one person here.  Every day it's another person, another story, another heart.  And every one matters.

                        Ministry matters.

I was blessed with the opportunity to lead this beautiful lady to the Lord during a conference a couple of weeks ago. Even in the midst of the crazy, God used me in this girls life. I feel so honored to have been a part of that. God is so good!

It's easy to stay down, eat chocolate, cry, and run to your hearts content, but that's not how you win.  You only lose if you don't get back up.  The sports lover in me sees life as a game, and there isn't a game where staying down helps you win, you ALWAYS have to get back up, that's how you win.  You can't stop fighting or you lose.  Get up and choose to live.  Even when it hurts. 

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." ~Isaiah 41:10

Jesus is always the answer.  He is always in control.  He is always with you, whether you can feel Him or not.  I am so thankful that His grace is sufficient.  There is no constant than God.  Nothing else will hold.  I'm learning that security found in anything other than Jesus is false security.  I always knew it, but I think it's one of those lessons I might have to learn over and over, because we're always looking for security, safety, and ultimately Jesus, but sometimes we look in the wrong places. 

Another thing God is teaching me is not to go through things alone.  We need people.  The Christian life isn't meant to be walked through alone.  God places people in our lives to help strengthen us and help us put our eyes on Jesus.  Don't ignore that.  Jesus is my strength, but I'm so thankful that He has given me people to hug me, cry with me, pray for me and listen to my heart breaking.  My brothers and sisters in Christ have laid down their lives for me over and over by sacrificing their time and attention to be there for me when I need them.  Words of life, healing and truth and been spoken to me that I will remember forever.  I know because I type them out and put them in my bible where I can read them over and over.  Someone who has no idea what I'm walking through, texting me at 6:30 in the morning, "You up?" and calling and telling me all about how God is working in their life, that's God.  A well timed conversation can change someones perspective and bring hope to their situation.

In the words of one of my brothers, "It's gonna be hard, but you're just going to have to show love.  That's what Jesus did for us.  While we were still sinners Christ died for us.  I know you feel like you have nothing left to pour out, but sister, the great thing about it is that it doesn't come from you, it comes from the Lord. You are just the vessel."  Yes.  As Christ pours His love, peace, grace, and hope into me, I can then pour into the lives of others.  It doesn't come from me, it comes from Him.

God is still in control.  Get up and choose to live.  And don't hesitate to join me in pouring the 5th cup of coffee, getting our nails done (Oh yes, I'm THAT girl now. Ohmyheavens!), or running a few miles, some may tell you that it doesn't help, but I'm here to tell you that it does.

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong. ~2 Corinthians 12:9-10

What Is LOVE?

Yesterday morning as I was working all of these thoughts started pouring into my head.  I don't know if it's because it's Valentine's Day is this month, or because I've been hearing so much about love but I wrote on a piece of paper, "What is love?".  As I thought about it and different sermons I've heard lately and conversations I've had with friends plus different articles I've read, I thought about the difference between what the world says love is and what God says love is... I recently read an article about what the most used word in porn website comments is...can you guess?  Love.  Love? 


"Wow.  Now how ironic is that?  How ironic is it that one of the main places that you can get the furthest from real love is where that word pops up the most in people's online conversations?  Now, granted, we realize that the word is probably being used in a much different way than we should associate it with, but does that make it any less saddening?  Does that make it okay that this word, which is meant to be used to describe the most intimate of feelings and deepest of affection, is now the most common word on a site that shows the complete opposite of love?" (Taken from the article in the link below.)
http://fightthenewdrug.org/oh-the-irony-this-is-the-most-used-word-in-porn-comments/#sthash.enXH3rDE.dpbs



Brings us back to the question, WHAT IS LOVE?  I was talking to a friend about this last week, and he said something that I've thought of every day since... "Without God at the center of a relationship there really is no love because God is love."  Mind.  Blown.  I really haven't ever thought of it that way before...  "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.  God is love.  Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him." ~John 4:16  Maybe it's time for us to stop trying to find love and start focusing on God because God is love.  No one will ever love you like He will, and if you don't fall in love with Him first then what's the point of "falling in love" with someone else when there really can't be any love in that relationship anyway because God isn't in it?  It would just be an emotional battlefield of lust and feelings that won't ever last.  I think most of us have been there once or twice.  It can be so hurtful and damaging to both people in so many ways.

Then you have those holidays like Valentine's Day.  It can be so hard...in all honesty sometimes it just makes me sick.  Just because that boy gives you flowers and chocolate, or that girl writes you a nice card doesn't mean anything.  How do they treat you the rest of the year?  All those girls who say, "He better get me something nice for Valentines Day"  just annoys me.  Love is more than a holiday.  Love is an everyday thing.  Flowers, chocolate and cards with hearts and sweet words written in them are all nice, but what about every other day?  Real love will open doors for you every day.  Real love puts you first.  Real love sends you a text in the middle of the week just to say, "I love you".  Real love is more focused on what they can put into the relationship than what they can get out of it.  Real love offers you chocolate in a bus in Africa when you're tired and emotional.  I'm not just talking about romantic relationships, this goes for friendships too.  People say, "I love you" the best without words.  It means more to me when my sister gives me a hug for no reason and tells me that she loves me than it does when she tells me on a special occasion.  And when my brother offered me chocolate in a dusty bus in Africa when I was sitting there bawling my eyes out (probably for no reason), I felt more loved than if he'd actually said the words.  "But God demonstrates His own love for us in this; While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." ~Romans 5:8  God didn't just say, "I love you."  He showed us.  God is love, and when we act like Jesus, people feel His love through us.  When people give of themselves I see Jesus in them.

So what do we do when Valentine's Day is around the corner and the memories of past relationships that we let go of a long time ago seem to haunt us?  Grandpa brought me a teddy bear the other day, for Valentine's Day (he's always early for these things, so sweet!), and as I looked at it yesterday I remembered years ago this boy giving me a teddy bear for Valentine's Day.  I'd almost forgotten...
"Satan targets our emotions because our hearts are by their own nature deceptive (Jeremiah 17:9).  Most assuredly, where believers are concerned, the father of lies is at the heart of every destructive emotional tie.  We can't just put our pasts behind us.  We've got to put our pasts in front of God.  Satan is inconceivably mean and will take advantage of any unfinished business." ~"When Godly People Do Ungodly Things" ~Beth Moore

Call me crazy, but I totally think Satan remembers our pasts and will take every opportunity he can to remind us of things that were once hurtful to us.  So instead of having a meltdown right there, instead of letting the memories keep playing in my heart and mind I gave them back to Jesus, saying, "Heal all the hurts that I haven't dealt with.  I gave it all to you a long time ago, I don't want it back."  It was amazing how fast that ended.  No turning back.  Give it all to Jesus friends, and don't look back. 
I heard a new song yesterday, it's called "In Over My Head" by Bethel Music and Jenn Johnson


"In Over My Head"

I have come to this place in my life
I’m full but I’ve not satisfied
This longing to have more of You
I can feel it my heart is convinced
I’m thirsty my soul can’t be quenched
You already know this but still
Come and do whatever You want to

I’m standing knee deep but I’m out where never been
I feel You coming and I hear Your voice on the wind

Would you come and tear down the boxes that I have tried to put You in
Let love come teach me who You are again
Take me back to the place where my heart was only about You
And all I wanted was just to be with You
Come and do whatever You want to

Further and further my heart moves away from the shore
Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am Yours
Further and further my heart moves away from the shore
Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am Yours
[x2]

Then You crash over me and I’ve lost control but I’m free
I’m going under, I’m in over my head
And You crash over me, I’m where You want me to be
I’m going under, I’m in over my head
Whether I sink, whether I swim
It makes no difference when I’m beautifully in over my head
Whether I sink, whether I swim
It makes no difference when I’m beautifully in over my head
I’m Beautifully in over my head
I’m Beautifully in over my head

It just reminded me once again how wonderful it is to give yourself fully over to Jesus, holding nothing back, being fully submersed in His love.  Don't ever settle for less than all that He has for you.  The safest place to be in lost in Him.

My Safe Place

In a world of hurt, confusion and chaos, You, Jesus, are my safe place. 


The weather today was perfect...I took my work outside and just enjoyed the sunshine, and maybe got a sunburn *crosses fingers*.  I can't even believe this is January. I've had spring fever for a month now.  Isn't God so good to give us a glimpse of spring in the middle of winter?  Because sometimes winters can be so long...and feel like they will never end...much like the harder seasons of life.  But it's the cold days that help you to enjoy the warm ones, and the difficult times that help you enjoy the good times. 

I've been sick for a couple of days and have just felt the Lord asking me to be still and know that He is God.  Sometimes I think he allows me to be sick just so that I will slow down and take the time to listen for His voice.  Funny how my body is tired and I still don't feel completely back to myself yet(sitting here coughing and sniffling as I type), but my spirit feels so refreshed.  Life doesn't have to be perfect to have a perfect day.  Today was a perfect day.  Just to feel Him right here with me, to have renewed vision and a rested soul...that's what has made this day perfect.  I'm seeing life through different eyes. 


You see, I have a tendency to worry about things I can't change.  I get all caught up in the what if's and if only's of life and forget to enjoy the moment.  Sometimes I forget that life is precious.  I forget that each day is a gift, and that I only get one chance to live it.  I'm the safe girl.  I've always wanted to live inside my personal bubble where all is happy and comfortable, and no one can touch me unless I want them to.  It's safe in there. But it's the slowest, most painful and lonely death you can imagine.  No one knows it because no one is allowed in.  But He sees, and I know it hurts Him.  Over and over I heard Him whispering to me, "You were made for so much more than this."  But He is patient with me.  He stayed close and kept reminding me of my worth in Him as He waited for me to finally give up and let Him heal and restore things that had been broken for far too long.., things that if I let them, would keep me from ever being able to truly love anyone.  In 2014 Jesus asked to pop my bubble.  He asked me to be vulnerable, first and foremost to Him, but also to be vulnerable enough to allow myself to truly love people. I was afraid, but I let Him and He made me brave.  I was hurt.  Again.  And again.  And again.  But it was worth it.  Because love sees the bigger picture and doesn't get caught up in how it hurts.  Love sees the hurting person and carries them and lays them before Jesus over and over and over, believing that one day they will give Him their entire hearts. 


My word for 2014 was Forgiveness.  And I got a good lesson in that one.  It was soul-cleansing.  I grew so much...I'm not even the same person that I was at this time last year.  I pray that each year only gets better.

Tonight I was sitting in the pasture, talking to my Jesus, chasing sunsets...taking the time just to be still and know that He is God.  The beauty of that sunset could not be captured on camera, but I think I'll remember it forever because of the conversation God had with me there.  As I sat there on the fence in my sweatpants and daddy's boots, with my crazy, messy hair soaking up the last rays of sunshine for the day, God started talking to me.  He reminded me how I've tried to live my life safely.., and how my dreams have always been so small.., much too small for Him.  The words he gave me for this year are, Dream and Risk.  Words that are small in letters, but big in meaning.  I know that it will take an entire year for me to come to an understanding of what He wants those words to mean to me personally.  I don't know where He will have me a year from today, but I'm tired of trying to live my life safely.  Let the journey begin.

John 3:30-He must become greater, I must become less.